Monday, October 20

Let us see...haven't updated in a few days...wow it's like a record...except for that one month when I didn't update. But yeah.

I'm happy, becuase I found a website where I can listen to "Savior" anytime I want (www.ardentrecords.com), even though the quality is only ok. But that song is so awesome it doesn't matter. Yeah...this one guy in English did a CD for his English project on Catcher in the Rye and it was really good...it had a few Staind songs on it and a long long time ago I bought a Staind CD (Break the Cycle) based on that one song, "It's Been Awhile" and listened to it once and it had been shelved ever since...but I got it out, thinking I should broaden my horizons beyond Christian music, you know? But listening to just half of "Outside" made me really depressed so I quit. I'll be content with my Supertones and Relient K, thank you very much.

So yeah. I should be in bed! I've been so tired the last few days...blah. I just feel so weird. Like...that paranoid stuff I was talking about. Like I do things...just weird things...I think way too much about nearly everything (except, of course, the things I should think too much about) and its really annoying...and I can't help it...it's nice to know that God made me the way I am sometimes, because I don't know what I'd do without knowing that. I'd just be crazy. Like really crazy, not the type of crazy I really am...listening to the song "Understand" by Jeremy Camp (from the Shorebreak 03 DVD) and I really wish I had the CD because I want to listen to it over and over and over again....

Every time I fall down on my face/I see the one who bore all my shame/But to know you are everything I need to be/You're my ever-present help in time of need

I know you understand it/So why don't I get back on my feet again?/I know you understand it/So why don't I get back on my feet again?I know you understand it

Every pain I feel inside my heart...

And that's about as far I can go becuase my DVD is skipping...sigh....

Kellen and I were talking to this guy named Fred in Denmark (I'm totally serious) and trying to get him to accept Christ. I mean, niether of us have ever met this guy, Kellen is and old friend of one of Fred's friends. But it was so cool...why can't I do that to people that I see everyday at school when I can do it to a guy who I've never even met? I don't think I can do anything right...because I talk to God and say "help me do better" and I physically or psychologically just can't do it. Like something happened earlier today (I'm not going to try and explain it, because you'd proabably think I have some sort of pyschological problem...maybe I do...:S) and I said "God, that's so stupid. Why do I do that? I need help, please." and then, IMMEADIATLY , like, right after, that it happens again and I do the exact same thing!?  

And maybe if I explained it to you, and you sort of understood, it would still seems like a little thing to you. But...yeah. It's not to me. I swear, right now, God is that I have any hope in. Sometimes I just want to die and go to heaven cause then everything will be ok. But I know that He made me the way I am...and that if I'm still here it means He has a plan for me. But I swear, right now...I can't see how that's possible....

And my life is going great...I have awesome friends, the better and more friends then I've ever had in my entire life...Ms. Richardson said my essay was very good and that I should help tutor people (!?)...and I have so much stuff...so much money...so many material possesions...and I'm living in JAPAN, for goodness sake. I have so much to be thankful for, so much that other people would only dream of. But none of that matters sometimes, in my head.

Maybe I'll skip all the other stuff I wanted to write about and just go to bed. That might help a bit. Besides, I have the PSATs tomorrow...and I didn't study at all...that's another thing, the whole slacking off thing...I hate myself for it but I can't stop...the hardest sinful habits to break are the ones that you've done for years but never known it's a sin...it's like second nature to me. Well, probably first nature. But we get to miss school tomorrow, so that's cool.

Yeah...if you read this, feel free to pray for me, and Fred....

Peace Out

Ben

Currently Playing Stay By Jeremy Camp Understand- I must have this song... see related